I haven’t written anything brave lately because I have not felt very brave. I have shed a lot of tears lately for myself, feeling sorry for myself, and for my mom who has been in the hospital for months. Life hasn’t gone as expected. I have essentially stopped living because of what is going on with my mom. Daily I am just going through the motions. I get up, start working, go to the hospital, then handle my household as needed. Other than that, life has stopped.
My mom would be livid if she knew what was going on at home with me. She would be so angry that I stopped because her life is hanging on and slowly healing. It’s not what I want for myself, but I have had trouble getting past it.
I eat my feeling something fierce. Even when I eat, and I am not hungry, I feel guilty. I find at times I eat something for no reason at all, but instead of just moving on, I feel like I have binged. One snack size bag of chips is not a binge, nor is it a reason to feel guilty. It is however a lesson to be learned that if you are not hungry you do not need to eat. You need to walk away and come back later. It isn’t going any place.
I am trying to figure out how I can move on without my mom being at home right now. I don’t know that my mom will ever get to come home again, but at the same time I don’t know that she won’t. I pray PRAY she does. I need to be an example to her because regardless of what her future looks like she is going to need a lot of physical therapy.
I think some days I would prefer to wallow in my own self-pity and self-doubt than actually get on with my life and accomplish all things. What is crazy is that is not easier to feel sorry for yourself, it is actually so much harder. Literally some days for me are one minute at a time.
Eating is not a comfort, even if it feels like one at that moment. I often feel miserable because I over eat and can hardly move my body. I am going to be returning back to the office in two weeks. I am hoping that being back in the building will help. The bad part is, we will still all be locked in our offices unable to socialize thanks to COVID-19. I think I am missing the socializing.
I never realized how much I need people until COVID-19 hit and then to top it off my mom went into the hospital. Working from home was no big deal as long as she was home. She lives with my family and I so we had lunch together every day, we would meet at the coffee pot for a chat and so on. She helped keep me on track with my weight loss journey.
It all came to a halt when she went into the hospital. My daily support system was gone. My husband is at work all day so I don’t see him. The house is empty during the day. At night, the house is always a mad house as we try to get one day ended and the next ready to start.
I didn’t start this blog for sympathy. No way am I looking for that. I simply started it as a way to express how I am feeling in hopes that voicing my feelings will give me what I need to move forward and get back on my weight loss journey.
Life is tough! It is tough on everyone, but especially right now. I am over COVID-19, and I am over being isolated from the world. I always thought I hated people, but it turns out I am missing them. I am sure I will get back to the place where I don’t want to be around people, but we will pick those battles as they come.
Today is off to a good start and I hope your day is going good as well. What I need to remember today is, life is hard, but you have to choose which hard you want to live. The hard part of losing weight or the hard part of being overweight. Both are hard, and hurt, but one comes with an amazing life at the other end.
No matter which “hard” you choose you will always be… better off brave!