Being Brave, Fears, Greif, Mental Health


Photo by Kat Jayne on

When I started this site with good intentions in mind, then my world fell apart. Five weeks ago my mom passed away. I feel fairly confident in saying that my life will never be the same again. My mom was my best friend. She was always there for me, as a mom, but also as a best friend. I could tell her anything, the good and the ugly. I haven’t done a lot of things in my life to be embarrassed about but whatever I did do, she was aware of it.

Growing up my life was not easy. My mom and I became a team. We used each other to stand, to push through, and to cope. My dad could never physically hurt anyone, but he was an alcoholic who was rarely sober when I was a teenager.

My dad got to the point where he could no longer hold a job instead he spent his days drinking while my mom spent her days and nights working to support his habit and support our family. It is not a joke to say there were times we did not have food, we did not have heat, electricity, or even water. Life was hard but mom and I were strong, and even stronger together. As long as we had each other we had everything we needed.

My mom would go on to divorce my dad after I graduated high school, but it would not change just how hard life could be. It was just a different hard. It was still a money struggle hard, and emotional hard. We still had each other. My dad would go on to pass away in 2001. That same day was my parents wedding anniversary. Again, life was hard…

My dad was a great man. He really was… he just had an addiction that he could not break. I don’t judge him in any way because I have a food addition so I get it. I asked him one time if he thought it was possible to get help and stop drinking. He said no, he didn’t think he could do it. I knew then I had to accept him for who he was and love him despite his addition. I did… he was an incredible dad. I miss him like crazy too. He was part of “my people” he was always there for me no matter what. I was angry at him for leaving me for a long time, but I have since learned to cope with it. The best you can cope.

My point in all of this is that life is always going to be hard, but it is much easier if you have the right people in your corner. You can make it through anything. Making it through with “your people” makes it just a little sweeter.

I keep asking myself how on earth will I be able to go on without my person with me? She has always been the one in my corner trying to fix it, make it better, or going head first in it with me.
I really don’t think I have ever felt so un-brave (is that a word) in my life. I know that brave doesn’t always mean you have it all together. Is also doesn’t mean that you are not scared or that you are not strong.

When the hospital called me to tell me to get there I didn’t feel brave. As a matter of fact, it took every bit of brave for me to remain calm and make that last drive to the hospital knowing that it was to say goodbye.

I didn’t realize that the goodbye would come so fast. Within 10 minutes of my arrival my mom would make her journey to the Lord and cross over. I am blessed that the Lord got me there in time, and I am even more blessed that I was the one that got to help her cross over. I was scared, I was shattered, but I held it all together…. for those 10 minutes.

After that… not so much. I was as calm as I could be on that drive home. I knew I just had to get home. My husband couldn’t make it to the hospital on time. There was no way. He was waiting on me at home. He would now be the only member of “my people” left. You see even if you have a million friends and family me members sometimes you are still alone. I had never felt so alone and so scared.

Why would I be so scared? My mom had set me up for success. She helped me get my bachelor’s degree, helped me through getting my master’s degree, and I have a good job. I wasn’t making ends meet because of my mom. I was getting through life because of her. At least that is how the irrational side of me felt.

My husband has been an amazing support. I can’t even begin to tell you the man he has been. The support has been unlike anything I could have ever imagined. He has more tear stained shirts that he can probably even count. Life is tough but I know that I am tougher. I know that regardless of my past and the trauma I have endured I know that I can do anything I want to do. I know that God has a purpose for me. I know there are still great things left for me to do. Great things that will make Him proud, but also great things that will make my parents proud.

Sometimes it is really hard to be Brave!

XOXO -Nicole