Fears, Greif, Health, Mental Health

That Time I Had To Be Brave


Photo by Cade Prior on Pexels.com

As if 2020 wasn’t hard enough, at the end of 2020 my mom had to have her mitral valve in her heart replaced. She hasn’t been home since then and it’s been 11 weeks. She has had a lot of complications since then. Some have been kidney issues, and some have been pulmonary issues.

The doctors believe the reason her mitral valve had to be replaced was because of her need for radiation when she had breast cancer many years ago. This year my mom will be cancer free for 10 years. What a blessing that is. The sad part is now we are having to deal with this. She has been through so much. This is the reason I have let myself slide back into bad eating habits.

I have allowed what my mom is going through to dictate my own bad behavior. Instead of learning from what she is going through, I instead have chosen to wallow in it. It’s been tough. I mean tough. Last year was the first year in my life that I spent Christmas without my mom. She is my best friend. Not having her there for Christmas and knowing that I could not see her in the hospital because of Covid was devastating, heartbreaking, and almost broke me. Yes, I said almost, but it didn’t.

Now that I can see my mom again, I see all that she has gone through when I couldn’t see her and how strong she is. I decided that not only do I have to be brave, but I must be strong. Strong means eating better, exercising, learning new things, and getting outside more. I need more in my life that is filling and not draining. Life is draining enough isn’t it?

So, I am going to try to find me again. I lost me when I became a grad student. Between work, home and school I had no time left for anything else. I gave up everything else so that I could graduate with my MBA. I graduated in December 2020 the day before my mom surgery. That day should have been the day I got my life back but instead the next day it would all fall apart with my moms’ surgery. Everything seemed to be ok until it wasn’t.

For the last 11 weeks I have put life on hold waiting for my mom to recover. She is recovering but it is very slow. She is just starting to learn to breathe on her own again, then it will be physical therapy while she learns to walk again on her own. When you have been in bed for 11 weeks walking is not an option. I do not think she will be out of bed anytime soon, but it is coming.

I pray that God still has big plans for my mom and I to live our lives to the fullest. I pray we can go to New York like we planned before Covid happened and I pray we can get our trip to the zoo and to the beach in like we planned. There are so many things we want to do.

So, what I am saying is that it’s been 11 weeks and it’s time for me to get my shit together and start living again. Living again with or without my mom around is what she would want for me. She would never want me to be so sad that I can’t do things in life that make me happy and that make me … me! She would want me to get healthy, get back on my weight loss journey and to get crafting, and living.